Written by Dan Kirk

Have you noticed how transactional communication becomes when life feels busy? A well intended exchange, can be reduced to only its necessary components, and in doing so can come across as impersonal, abrupt and inconsiderate. Can you recall the last time you were on the receiving end of this, what happened? How did it make you feel? Perhaps it was you who incidentally left out the crucial connection cues that could have communicated empathy, respect, and understanding, what was the cost?

In truth, we have all had a moment like this at some point in our lives, I know at times I have both been the instigator and the receiver. Sometimes it is at home, coordinating children and a household. Other times it is with a colleague, friend or team-mate. The common theme is that when we communicate from a place of need, lack, or overwhelm, there is a risk that it leads to disconnection and a fracturing of our most valuable commodity, our relationships.

Last month I had an interaction with my landlord of 12 years about spraying our lawn for weeds. After returning home one day to see the burnt patched of grass, I was upset that our request for no chemicals, appeared to not have been respected. I sent him an SMS to ask if he had sprayed the lawn again, reiterating this was meant to be a safe space for our children to play barefoot outside. I heard nothing for 2 days, after which I sent another SMS to request a face to face conversation.

In the lead up I felt my emotions bubbling, this wasn't the first time this had happened. However I said to my daughter, that although I feel upset, my intention was to seek clarity and make a mutual agreement moving forward. I declared I would not “throw” my emotion at someone else or try to shame or guilt them for what has already happened.

I was nervous on the day of the interaction, and I suspect he was too. However I stated my intention from the beginning and it went surprisingly well. It also turns out, what was used was a salt based solutions, not one with harmful chemicals. We continue to be on good terms, with a mutual respect for each other.

Across my lifetime, I have observed a general societal trend of disconnection from what is around us. During this time there has been an increase in the number of barriers that intervene in our connection cues. Sunglasses that block eye contact, hats that hide the face or ear-pods that separate us from the aural environment. Furthermore, we now have digital technology that reduces communication to a set of 1s and 0s that misses the context of face to face interactions. Each of these diminish our natural human ability to read non-verbal cues, to establish safety in new interactions or to spontaneously connect with someone new.

I am someone who values connection, it is my top personal value. Having been an athlete, coach and facilitator, I have been a keen observer of behaviours that both build connection and those that destroy it. I have observed how emotions can intervene on self awareness and how chronic stress can lead to regretful interactions. I have also witnessed the power of slowing down, investing time in connection based habits, and how the outcomes are far more effective than a mechanical, time pressured exchange that leads to discontent. Before we explore how to re-establish connection, pause for a moment to reflect on;

What connection barriers do you personally use?

What purpose do these serve you?

What might happen if you removed just one for a day?

Drawing on tools from acceptance and commitment therapy, non-violent communication, and time honoured practices utilised in traditional men’s and women’s wellbeing work, I have learned how to re-frame the way I interact with the world. To initiate communication with an invitation, a request or simply asking how someone would prefer to communicate. To come from a place of pure intention in which I seek to connect first, in a mutually beneficial and consensual way. To accept myself when I don’t get it perfect, and to lean on my good intention as I seek to improve myself further.

Part of what makes the work I do so interesting to me, is being gifted the opportunity to offer these tools to others. To share in someone else’s journey as they learn to disarm a sometime prickly exterior. To gently dissolve the unhelpful patterns of communication that have led to friction in a relationship, that without attention, lead to chronic disconnection.

This could relate to your partner, children, parents, colleague, friend, team-mates or even your pet(s). It is less about being perfect and more about exploring new tools that lead to less friction and more connection in your life. In a world in which stress, overwhelm and disconnection have become common place, this is an opportunity to realign with yourself, and those you care most about. 

Before meeting with my landlord, I used this reset to help me approach the conversation with clarity rather than reactivity.

Before your next interaction today, take three slow breaths to ground your energy and ask yourself:

What do I hope to create in this exchange?

What do I need to feel connected right now?

How can I communicate with both clarity and care?

After you use this reset, notice how the interaction feels different from your usual approach.

The most common resistance point I hear to addressing this is “but I don’t have time to slow down” or some version of that “story” we tell ourselves. However, I would challenge that statement, in that you will continue to feel like you have no time, until you invest some time in reflecting on how you can positively influence the situation differently. When quantifying risk, most only consider “but what happens if it doesn’t work”, rather than acknowledging “what happens if I don’t take action and things remain the same”

If this resonated with you, I’d love to discuss it further with you. This is your invitation to connect with me either in the comments below, or via the contact form at the bottom of the page.

Finally, before you go, what relationship in your life could benefit most from a new approach?